Losing friends is all part of the process of growing up. Or so we are told. I never really believed that because I generally don't change too much as a person... And if I didn't change much, then why would my friends stop enjoying my company?
I have always been the type of person who enjoys their own company over anybody else's. Some people cannot stand a minute in their house on their own but some people crave it. I couldn't be sat around doing nothing though - that would kill me. But doing things that I felt were productive and enjoyable in the comfort of my own home for days would be fine to me. This isolation I repeatedly put myself in takes a huge chunk of my life away which could be spent doing exciting things other people wouldn't have the chance to. And that's the only part I don't like about it. Dealing with the effort of anxiety when I try to socialise and grab opportunities is sometimes too tiring to even bother. Resulting in lack of appeal for meeting friends and feeling happy.
Not very long ago I had broken off majority of contact with a small group of very close friends. My seemingly 'lower-effots' of making an effort bothered them immensely and in-turn, caused them to speak about me behind my back. What used to be a best friend of mine even stated to me that the fact that not one of them turned up to my 19th, was a way that I could see how it felt to be ignored. This crushed me entirely. My good friends were so busy speaking about me behind my back, that they didn't even have the time to try and figure out why I struggle with socialising more than others.
Of course, there is always two sides of every story. Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe they all didn't think that I deserved the 'taste of my own medicine' treatment. But not one single person came to me privately to apologise, claim that they didn't bitch, or apologise on be-half of what my best friend had said about how the group felt.
This incident is one of many things that make my anxiety worse. Why should I make new friends if my other ones who knew me the most didn't enjoy my friendship? It's heartbreaking and sad to live with because my younger teenage years had huge amounts of fun and exciting memories compared to my life now. All because I reject friendship or friendship rejects me.
Love and hugs,