I've always been an anxious type of person. I was always that shy kid who would rather sit and watch other kids do cool things with their time whilst I was way more content about doing whatever it was that didn't involve much hassle. "You're so well behaved" my mum would always say when she took me to fun and exciting places out in public. This was all whilst the other kids were running around like manic. Truth is is that I had no interest in making a scene. 'Causing a scene' always causes unnecessary eyes to fix upon me. How did the other kids always find joy from talking to strangers left right and centre anyway? Where's MY need to scream for attention?
"You can't come over today, my mum said no" I would lie to my best friends for probably the fifteenth time that year. When you were younger, going to your friends house was one of the most exciting things you could do all week. But I would much rather stay at home on my own and keep myself busy. 'Me time' I call it now. It sounds much more acceptable and 'adult' I suppose. I guess blaming your own mother for not being allowed to see your friends was fairly harsh but if it means getting out of having to do all the right things without feeling self conscious then I was going to keep saying that. Either that or I would rather have a group of our friends to hang out instead so that less focus would be on me; meaning I could relax more and I would actually enjoy myself.
Of course, I could just be a very private person, but the truth is... Very many things make me feel unnecessarily worried or nervous throughout a day when they shouldn't need to. "What if?", "I can't", "I will look stupid", "I don't do things like that", "Please can you come with me". I haven't even left the door to do the thing that I want to do yet and I'm already beating myself up about doing it.
One day I will learn to say YES to things more often. One day...
Love and hugs,